Sluts

I love sluts, sluts rock. I have five favorite distinct types.

1. The Jennifer Anniston, also known as "The Rachel" is not just a hairstyle from 1996, it's also a way of life. It includes putting yourself out there, time after time, yielding no positive results. In more recent years, the Jennifer Anniston [and subsequently the Courtney Cox] have turned into full fledged cougars. They're at your local, suburban bar and they know their way around a lip pencil. Pun intended.

2. 14 year old emo girls who are adept at cell phone technology. They love taking photos of themselves in mirrors and posting them to MySpace, Facebook, maybe even Live Journal, and sending them to the opposite [or same] sex. I've heard way too many recent cases of girls in middle school getting expelled for inappropriate "sexting." If 90210 did an episode about it, it's true. These girls have low self esteem and need some love. This also applies to Jewish girls and people who use emoticons.

3. Asian school girls. There's a whole fetish circuit dedicated to this. I guess it's because of docility and plaid, but I'm not so interested. What happened to girls who wear Juicy Couture and Michael Stars and like math? Sigh.

4. Actual prostitutes. There's a group of 3 prostitutes [1 tranny, 1 trendy, and 1 spicy Latina] who meet on the corner of 14th Street and 3rd Avenue every morning at 9 AM. They are living the American Dream. They have great personalities and the neighborhood loves them. Sure, no one wants to touch them, but if the economy doesn't pick up in Q1 I may have to join the friend group, and I'd only hope they'd welcome me with open arms. Complete respect.

5. The outwardly religious. These types claim devotion to divinity and abstinence, but everyone knows that's just a cover for what's actually happening at bible camp. Sure, marriage is more common at lower ages, but that doesn't make up for all those years spent on their knees in the confessional. Baruch atah dios mio!

What other types do you think exist?