Sluts

I love sluts, sluts rock. I have five favorite distinct types.

1. The Jennifer Anniston, also known as "The Rachel" is not just a hairstyle from 1996, it's also a way of life. It includes putting yourself out there, time after time, yielding no positive results. In more recent years, the Jennifer Anniston [and subsequently the Courtney Cox] have turned into full fledged cougars. They're at your local, suburban bar and they know their way around a lip pencil. Pun intended.

2. 14 year old emo girls who are adept at cell phone technology. They love taking photos of themselves in mirrors and posting them to MySpace, Facebook, maybe even Live Journal, and sending them to the opposite [or same] sex. I've heard way too many recent cases of girls in middle school getting expelled for inappropriate "sexting." If 90210 did an episode about it, it's true. These girls have low self esteem and need some love. This also applies to Jewish girls and people who use emoticons.

3. Asian school girls. There's a whole fetish circuit dedicated to this. I guess it's because of docility and plaid, but I'm not so interested. What happened to girls who wear Juicy Couture and Michael Stars and like math? Sigh.

4. Actual prostitutes. There's a group of 3 prostitutes [1 tranny, 1 trendy, and 1 spicy Latina] who meet on the corner of 14th Street and 3rd Avenue every morning at 9 AM. They are living the American Dream. They have great personalities and the neighborhood loves them. Sure, no one wants to touch them, but if the economy doesn't pick up in Q1 I may have to join the friend group, and I'd only hope they'd welcome me with open arms. Complete respect.

5. The outwardly religious. These types claim devotion to divinity and abstinence, but everyone knows that's just a cover for what's actually happening at bible camp. Sure, marriage is more common at lower ages, but that doesn't make up for all those years spent on their knees in the confessional. Baruch atah dios mio!

What other types do you think exist?

Where is Vincent Young?

If you're anything like me, you have constantly been asking yourself what happened to Vincent Young. You may remember him as Noah from the original Beverly Hills, 90210 series. He played the Donna Martin-dating, secretly wealthy, yacht-managing vagabond the gang picked up in Hawaii for the last few seasons. Through extensive study of his IMDB page, it seems Vincent hasn't had much acting work since 90210 ended in 2000. However, it seems like he's now making a comeback in the adult film industry, with recent roles in [the hopefully satirical comedy] Adult Film: A Hollywood tale and an upcoming starring role in Eagles in the Chicken Coop.

I need Vincent Young to come back in a real way. And in more mainstream America.

In the new reboot of 90210, we have seen several guest stars from the original series already. Clearly all-time favorites Luke Perry and B.A.G. will just never return and I'll need to deal with this, but what about Vincent Young? He was good looking, troubled, and sleeping with everyone. He even had a drinking problem, which he can use to educate the new cast of kids. He is the perfect candidate for a guest role and will probably work for little to no money. What about casting him as the drivers ed teacher or the as the cashier at the pizza place they all go to?

Please CW, bring him back. You saved so much money from cutting off Mischa Barton's heroin addiction and you know Vampire Diaries isn't going anywhere.

Either way, I'll be tracking his career and would still contract scarlet fever to meet him.