Antiquated Contraceptive Methods

With smut-driven shows like The Secret Life of the American Teenager and Teen Mom bombarding the airwaves, America has become more and more infused with a terrible outlook on youth pregnancies. Sure, in between sexual innuendo and gratuitous make out scenes there are slight references to using condoms, and sometimes there are PSA's urging children to talk to their parents or "get help," but this clearly isn't helping, as American teen pregnancy rates are only rising (according to Dr. Drew). In a time when hipster culture thrives and retro is looked at as current, why can't antiquated contraceptive methods come back into style too. Here are my top five favorites that deserve product placement on the next episode of Degrassi or iCarly.

1. Spermicidal Foam. To use, one must insert 30 minutes prior to intercourse and the foam, which also comes in jelly, cream, and film form, typically has the consistency of shaving cream. It is only 72% as effective as birth control, but the awkward 30 minute wait when one has to sit still allowing the foam to settle will probably dissuade any confused youth from wanting to take the plunge. It is also extremely difficult to be used, as is seen in the Gaby Hoffman and Matthew Lawrence classic "All I Wanna Do." The slippery, yet seductive medium of the foam also actually INCREASES the ability to contract HIV, which is every young girl's dream.

2. Rhythm Method. Somehow this was actually taught in conjunction with the abstinence method in grade school health courses, in early 1990's Long Island at least. The rhythm method allows women to follow their menstruation, and subsequently, ovulation schedules, and simply abstain from sexual activity whenever one may be extra fertile. How could this method fail? Diet, exercise, geographic location - none of these should contribute to one's cycle, so going by the calendar should always work, right? If not, there's an app for that. In 2010, this method is now even easier, with the iPhone providing a menstruation calendar application. It allows women (or men if you alarmingly have this app) to track when their next ovulation window will hit so they can stay clear of college bars and Schnapps. Jennifer Anniston, on the other hand, will use this app for evil, and purposely seek out "wealthy businessmen" during that (un)holy week.

3. Chastity belts. Metal, chains, enhancing a tan skin tone, these all seem like pluses. However, it's impossible to picture how most women could fit a chastity built under an American Apparel dress, let alone what one would do in Miami. Chastity belts might seem like a good idea at first like the Shake Weight, but really they just prove to be a hassle. If one wants to represent Susan B. Anthony, you might as well invest in a diaphragm or try to find the Seinfeld-famed sponges.

4. Third trimester abortions. Juno taught us that babies are growing fingernails in your stomach, but Dirty Dancing taught us that some babies aren't destined to be born, and dancing competitions are more important. In some countries, these late-term abortions are illegal, forcing more and more women to make their gay best friend throw them down the stairs or even use the old hanger trick. Additionally, drinking a baby to death will become more common if this form of contraceptive doesn't come back to the mainstream. So let's bring it back and remember how much we love dance competitions! New season of America's Best Dance Crew!

5. Leaving babies in baskets. Even though this isn't necessarily a contraceptive method, it still deserves to be put in the limelight. My favorite Jewish celebrity other than Sarah Silverman was born into a life just like this. Moses was left in a basket floating on the Nile and he used his troubled childhood to become more famous than Twitterati Ashton Kutsher. Steve Jobs and Malcolm X were both orphans too. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe their mothers got nervous when they read What to Expect When You're Expecting and had to break up with their new child, or maybe they just wanted to get back on the club circuit and thought breast feeding was played out. Either way, this method of orphan-izing one's offspring definitely works.

Did I leave out any of your favorite methods?

The Next Trendy Ethnic Group

As sweeping generalizations go, men love Asian women and women love black men. This is a genetic effect whereas men look for the small and domicile, and women just the opposite. Ever since Dirty Sexy Money was cancelled and I lost my weekly connection to Lucy Liu, I've been waiting for Asian women to fall from grace. It's been a long time coming, but Jewish women finally stepped up as the newest most sought after group. Who knew Betty Boop and Sarah Silverman wore more Yurman jewelry than the average Long Island 13 year old.

As far as men go, Denzel Washington is getting a little old and Chris Brown was banned from the Kids Choice Awards. Black men might just be old news and if you like to keep up with the latest trends, you may be looking for a new hot ethnic group. I'd like to be the first to nominate Indian men. With the mainstream success and accompanying beautiful cast of Slumdog Millionaire in the limelight, as well as breakout comedian Aziz Ansari finding some coverage, Indian men might be the new black.

I've always loved computers and curry, so this seems like a natural fit. Everyone also knows mixed race babies are the best looking, and don't you want your own Padma Lakshmi or Tatiana Ali. I know I do. It will save my children millions on tanning and chemotherapy bills. And throw in an Indian wedding? I've watched Rachel Getting Married on demand five times, just this month alone. The Darjeeling Limited soundtrack isn't going anywhere either.

So ladies, it's time to leave the meatpacking, since the bankers you're chatting up are probably laid off or summer interns in high school. It's time to scout your local IT departments, 28th and Lex, or maybe even make the trip to Mumbai. Remember, India is the fastest growing country, so everyone has their chance. Fuck Cabo, I'm going on spring break Goa 2010.

Acronyms

Acronyms are used constantly, in the office, via text, and in AOL chatrooms circa 1998. They prove to be elusive, useful [at times], and always entertaining. The following are my all time favorites.

1. Necessity and workplace acronyms increase efficiency in the daily grind. One could say he's an MD at Merrill or get me that ASAP. FYI, TBD, and CEO are other commonplace terms thrown around like a placebo birth control pill. I prefer even quicker abbreviations, like she's a JS, or a Jewish slave [probably working in the office mailroom]. However, in this case, the acronym cannot be used in direct contact with the subject. This isn't the winter Olympics, and the JS wants someone to pay attention to her, not just to be referred to as a paper pushing Israelite who doesn't matter.

2. More useful acronyms like AIDS or SCUBA have always existed as well, representing a larger chain of words that people generally can't remember, since it's extremely difficult to remember four or more words at once. This is why predictive text and T9 have been invented and that phones are reached by numbers and not words. Regardless, one of my favorite childhood acronyms, especially to use on instant messenger, was DYGTTMTODYJSH, which stood for "did you go to the mall today or did you just stay home?" It was a catchphrase I wanted to say constantly but couldn't remember all the words to, but the acronym served as a lifesaver! Thank God for the ABC's and the Jackson Five.

3. Sex and relationships have also many times used acronyms to simplify a situation or take the place of uneasy words that the acronym user doesn't want to fully express. Girls are often OTP [on the prowl], DTR [forcing men to determine the relationship], or more desperately, DTF, in which case they'll engulf anyone who comes their way. These terms typically are uttered via text, the great wide web of the world, or even in person. However, if you're in a room with someone who tells you they're DTF, they probably have an STD, a DUI, or they're just a classic JAWDA.

Non-Sluts

These are the types of women I do not admire and do not aspire to be like.

1. Powerful female protagonists from my childhood. Netflix has been encouraging me to rediscover these women, simply because I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock season 1. However, I don't want to watch the Best of the Mary Tyler Moore show, nor do I think Beaches is a good way to spend two hours. One of the only non-sluts the mid 1990's yielded was Alex Mack, whose character was made powerful by a large scale chemical spill. Maybe it was the heavy allusion to global warming, but like other former non-sluts, Alex Mack [rather, the actress who plays Alex Mack] later lowered her morals for a role in 10 Things I Hate About You [R.I.P. Heath Ledger]. The same could be said for fellow mid 1990's non-slut Michelle Trachtenberg in Harriot the Spy, who we all know is looking and acting disgusting on Gossip Girl these days.

2. The people who dress up as characters at Disney World, Universal Studios, and high school and college pep rallies. These women are profusely sweating, have skin conditions, and are hanging out with, but not even participating in various marching bands, whether it be the pep band at homecoming or the float in the Electric Light Parade. It's a commonly unknown fact that many of the female characters are actually played by men, like in Shakespearean theater, except it's Florida and you're pretending to be a French Daisy Duck for 12 hours. Think Epcot on a Thursday. This does not apply to the characters at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, as they know exactly what they're doing inside that Reese's costume.

3. Biology majors. They study anatomy, are more intelligent than the sluts and men surrounding them, and have bright futures. They don't need to loiter outside bars asking for a light, because they know all the possible STD's that might surmount from borrowing that imitation Zippo lighter with a skull and crossbones engraved on it.

4. Girls in wheelchairs. Even though it may seem like much easier access since they're already seated, girls in wheelchairs are generally more in touch with reality and their sense of character and self-worth. They know how to get male attention and climb the corporate ladder [figuratively] with their personality and natural charm. If they don't have a good face, they just elicit pity due to their handicap. If it worked for Tiny Tim, it can work for these girls.

5. Hillary Clinton. She's irritating, was cheated on and almost deserted for a portly Jewish woman, and has the hairstyle of a 11 year old male Republican [think Ferguson from Clarissa explains it all]. There's no way that Hillary was doing her job as First Lady for all those years, when she should have been making Bubba tuna fish sandwiches in the Oval Office. Sure, she's excelled later in life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have Jennifer Anniston syndrome, which is still possible even if one is married.

Sluts

I love sluts, sluts rock. I have five favorite distinct types.

1. The Jennifer Anniston, also known as "The Rachel" is not just a hairstyle from 1996, it's also a way of life. It includes putting yourself out there, time after time, yielding no positive results. In more recent years, the Jennifer Anniston [and subsequently the Courtney Cox] have turned into full fledged cougars. They're at your local, suburban bar and they know their way around a lip pencil. Pun intended.

2. 14 year old emo girls who are adept at cell phone technology. They love taking photos of themselves in mirrors and posting them to MySpace, Facebook, maybe even Live Journal, and sending them to the opposite [or same] sex. I've heard way too many recent cases of girls in middle school getting expelled for inappropriate "sexting." If 90210 did an episode about it, it's true. These girls have low self esteem and need some love. This also applies to Jewish girls and people who use emoticons.

3. Asian school girls. There's a whole fetish circuit dedicated to this. I guess it's because of docility and plaid, but I'm not so interested. What happened to girls who wear Juicy Couture and Michael Stars and like math? Sigh.

4. Actual prostitutes. There's a group of 3 prostitutes [1 tranny, 1 trendy, and 1 spicy Latina] who meet on the corner of 14th Street and 3rd Avenue every morning at 9 AM. They are living the American Dream. They have great personalities and the neighborhood loves them. Sure, no one wants to touch them, but if the economy doesn't pick up in Q1 I may have to join the friend group, and I'd only hope they'd welcome me with open arms. Complete respect.

5. The outwardly religious. These types claim devotion to divinity and abstinence, but everyone knows that's just a cover for what's actually happening at bible camp. Sure, marriage is more common at lower ages, but that doesn't make up for all those years spent on their knees in the confessional. Baruch atah dios mio!

What other types do you think exist?

The Missing Link in Hip Hop

Rap lyrics used to be reserved for cars, bitches, and guns. Now rappers are socially conscious, seemingly extra terrestrial, and attaining higher and higher levels of celebrity status. They're rapping about everything under the sun, collaborating with the math-rock bands of my not so ancient youth, and praising education. At least all my favorite rappers are still getting arrested.

However, there's a few subjects that are not being preached by most rappers right now, which is slightly disheartening. First, the existence of pre cum. It's a huge part of society, it's discussed in health classes, and the STD-afflicted community couldn't be more familiar with the topic. Since rappers love rhyming about sex and its aftermath, shouldn't pre cum be involved? Even romantic lyrics about pouring wine and candle light could hint at the appearance of pre cum. It also rhymes with rum, if the rapper wanted to profess how "drizzy" they were for the occasion.

This is too good to be sleeping on, weezy.

Second, rappers seem to be increasingly concerned with the gossip media. If rap lyrics can discuss the Kardashians, why can't they discuss the Jennifer Anniston Will Die Alone phenomenon? It's just as appealing and she's always crying alone in cars. Perhaps a rap ballad featuring Alicia Keyes or Mary J could touch on the subject? It would make a great music video and could even get you that coveted spot on the next romantic comedy soundtrack you've been dying to be included on. Remember, Valentine's Day is less than four months away!

Oprah Can't Lose: Precious

The cinematic gem that is Precious is going to be the best movie of this, and possibly any year. First, we've got the African American Bonnie and Clyde, Oprah and Tyler Perry, backing this movie. The buzz in Harlem is going to be unmeasurable. Next, we have an Oscar worthy performance from Monique, Mariah Carey with no make up and a huge attitude, and an unknown incredible actress in the title role. However, most of this information is known by anyone who's been following the Coming Soon page on Fandango or Oprah's website.

More discretely, there are several other factors that will set this tearjerker apart. Underestimated icons will star, like Sherri "Star Jones looks like a female Al Roker" Shepard [the current day Jackee], and actresses called Xosho and Muggy [their real names]. Additionally, the cast list on IMDB actually bills a dog in the film, playing "stray dog." The dog's name is Camilla in real life, but sadly doesn't have a character name. Does this dog have an IMDB page? Yes. Do I? No. I wonder if appearing in You Tube and home videos can warrant an actor page. I would consider creating my own, but I don't want to turn out like Roxy Olin.

If you haven't seen the trailer yet, please watch it. November 6th can't come soon enough.