Non-Sluts

These are the types of women I do not admire and do not aspire to be like.

1. Powerful female protagonists from my childhood. Netflix has been encouraging me to rediscover these women, simply because I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock season 1. However, I don't want to watch the Best of the Mary Tyler Moore show, nor do I think Beaches is a good way to spend two hours. One of the only non-sluts the mid 1990's yielded was Alex Mack, whose character was made powerful by a large scale chemical spill. Maybe it was the heavy allusion to global warming, but like other former non-sluts, Alex Mack [rather, the actress who plays Alex Mack] later lowered her morals for a role in 10 Things I Hate About You [R.I.P. Heath Ledger]. The same could be said for fellow mid 1990's non-slut Michelle Trachtenberg in Harriot the Spy, who we all know is looking and acting disgusting on Gossip Girl these days.

2. The people who dress up as characters at Disney World, Universal Studios, and high school and college pep rallies. These women are profusely sweating, have skin conditions, and are hanging out with, but not even participating in various marching bands, whether it be the pep band at homecoming or the float in the Electric Light Parade. It's a commonly unknown fact that many of the female characters are actually played by men, like in Shakespearean theater, except it's Florida and you're pretending to be a French Daisy Duck for 12 hours. Think Epcot on a Thursday. This does not apply to the characters at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, as they know exactly what they're doing inside that Reese's costume.

3. Biology majors. They study anatomy, are more intelligent than the sluts and men surrounding them, and have bright futures. They don't need to loiter outside bars asking for a light, because they know all the possible STD's that might surmount from borrowing that imitation Zippo lighter with a skull and crossbones engraved on it.

4. Girls in wheelchairs. Even though it may seem like much easier access since they're already seated, girls in wheelchairs are generally more in touch with reality and their sense of character and self-worth. They know how to get male attention and climb the corporate ladder [figuratively] with their personality and natural charm. If they don't have a good face, they just elicit pity due to their handicap. If it worked for Tiny Tim, it can work for these girls.

5. Hillary Clinton. She's irritating, was cheated on and almost deserted for a portly Jewish woman, and has the hairstyle of a 11 year old male Republican [think Ferguson from Clarissa explains it all]. There's no way that Hillary was doing her job as First Lady for all those years, when she should have been making Bubba tuna fish sandwiches in the Oval Office. Sure, she's excelled later in life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have Jennifer Anniston syndrome, which is still possible even if one is married.