Acronyms

Acronyms are used constantly, in the office, via text, and in AOL chatrooms circa 1998. They prove to be elusive, useful [at times], and always entertaining. The following are my all time favorites.

1. Necessity and workplace acronyms increase efficiency in the daily grind. One could say he's an MD at Merrill or get me that ASAP. FYI, TBD, and CEO are other commonplace terms thrown around like a placebo birth control pill. I prefer even quicker abbreviations, like she's a JS, or a Jewish slave [probably working in the office mailroom]. However, in this case, the acronym cannot be used in direct contact with the subject. This isn't the winter Olympics, and the JS wants someone to pay attention to her, not just to be referred to as a paper pushing Israelite who doesn't matter.

2. More useful acronyms like AIDS or SCUBA have always existed as well, representing a larger chain of words that people generally can't remember, since it's extremely difficult to remember four or more words at once. This is why predictive text and T9 have been invented and that phones are reached by numbers and not words. Regardless, one of my favorite childhood acronyms, especially to use on instant messenger, was DYGTTMTODYJSH, which stood for "did you go to the mall today or did you just stay home?" It was a catchphrase I wanted to say constantly but couldn't remember all the words to, but the acronym served as a lifesaver! Thank God for the ABC's and the Jackson Five.

3. Sex and relationships have also many times used acronyms to simplify a situation or take the place of uneasy words that the acronym user doesn't want to fully express. Girls are often OTP [on the prowl], DTR [forcing men to determine the relationship], or more desperately, DTF, in which case they'll engulf anyone who comes their way. These terms typically are uttered via text, the great wide web of the world, or even in person. However, if you're in a room with someone who tells you they're DTF, they probably have an STD, a DUI, or they're just a classic JAWDA.

Non-Sluts

These are the types of women I do not admire and do not aspire to be like.

1. Powerful female protagonists from my childhood. Netflix has been encouraging me to rediscover these women, simply because I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock season 1. However, I don't want to watch the Best of the Mary Tyler Moore show, nor do I think Beaches is a good way to spend two hours. One of the only non-sluts the mid 1990's yielded was Alex Mack, whose character was made powerful by a large scale chemical spill. Maybe it was the heavy allusion to global warming, but like other former non-sluts, Alex Mack [rather, the actress who plays Alex Mack] later lowered her morals for a role in 10 Things I Hate About You [R.I.P. Heath Ledger]. The same could be said for fellow mid 1990's non-slut Michelle Trachtenberg in Harriot the Spy, who we all know is looking and acting disgusting on Gossip Girl these days.

2. The people who dress up as characters at Disney World, Universal Studios, and high school and college pep rallies. These women are profusely sweating, have skin conditions, and are hanging out with, but not even participating in various marching bands, whether it be the pep band at homecoming or the float in the Electric Light Parade. It's a commonly unknown fact that many of the female characters are actually played by men, like in Shakespearean theater, except it's Florida and you're pretending to be a French Daisy Duck for 12 hours. Think Epcot on a Thursday. This does not apply to the characters at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, as they know exactly what they're doing inside that Reese's costume.

3. Biology majors. They study anatomy, are more intelligent than the sluts and men surrounding them, and have bright futures. They don't need to loiter outside bars asking for a light, because they know all the possible STD's that might surmount from borrowing that imitation Zippo lighter with a skull and crossbones engraved on it.

4. Girls in wheelchairs. Even though it may seem like much easier access since they're already seated, girls in wheelchairs are generally more in touch with reality and their sense of character and self-worth. They know how to get male attention and climb the corporate ladder [figuratively] with their personality and natural charm. If they don't have a good face, they just elicit pity due to their handicap. If it worked for Tiny Tim, it can work for these girls.

5. Hillary Clinton. She's irritating, was cheated on and almost deserted for a portly Jewish woman, and has the hairstyle of a 11 year old male Republican [think Ferguson from Clarissa explains it all]. There's no way that Hillary was doing her job as First Lady for all those years, when she should have been making Bubba tuna fish sandwiches in the Oval Office. Sure, she's excelled later in life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have Jennifer Anniston syndrome, which is still possible even if one is married.

Sluts

I love sluts, sluts rock. I have five favorite distinct types.

1. The Jennifer Anniston, also known as "The Rachel" is not just a hairstyle from 1996, it's also a way of life. It includes putting yourself out there, time after time, yielding no positive results. In more recent years, the Jennifer Anniston [and subsequently the Courtney Cox] have turned into full fledged cougars. They're at your local, suburban bar and they know their way around a lip pencil. Pun intended.

2. 14 year old emo girls who are adept at cell phone technology. They love taking photos of themselves in mirrors and posting them to MySpace, Facebook, maybe even Live Journal, and sending them to the opposite [or same] sex. I've heard way too many recent cases of girls in middle school getting expelled for inappropriate "sexting." If 90210 did an episode about it, it's true. These girls have low self esteem and need some love. This also applies to Jewish girls and people who use emoticons.

3. Asian school girls. There's a whole fetish circuit dedicated to this. I guess it's because of docility and plaid, but I'm not so interested. What happened to girls who wear Juicy Couture and Michael Stars and like math? Sigh.

4. Actual prostitutes. There's a group of 3 prostitutes [1 tranny, 1 trendy, and 1 spicy Latina] who meet on the corner of 14th Street and 3rd Avenue every morning at 9 AM. They are living the American Dream. They have great personalities and the neighborhood loves them. Sure, no one wants to touch them, but if the economy doesn't pick up in Q1 I may have to join the friend group, and I'd only hope they'd welcome me with open arms. Complete respect.

5. The outwardly religious. These types claim devotion to divinity and abstinence, but everyone knows that's just a cover for what's actually happening at bible camp. Sure, marriage is more common at lower ages, but that doesn't make up for all those years spent on their knees in the confessional. Baruch atah dios mio!

What other types do you think exist?

The Missing Link in Hip Hop

Rap lyrics used to be reserved for cars, bitches, and guns. Now rappers are socially conscious, seemingly extra terrestrial, and attaining higher and higher levels of celebrity status. They're rapping about everything under the sun, collaborating with the math-rock bands of my not so ancient youth, and praising education. At least all my favorite rappers are still getting arrested.

However, there's a few subjects that are not being preached by most rappers right now, which is slightly disheartening. First, the existence of pre cum. It's a huge part of society, it's discussed in health classes, and the STD-afflicted community couldn't be more familiar with the topic. Since rappers love rhyming about sex and its aftermath, shouldn't pre cum be involved? Even romantic lyrics about pouring wine and candle light could hint at the appearance of pre cum. It also rhymes with rum, if the rapper wanted to profess how "drizzy" they were for the occasion.

This is too good to be sleeping on, weezy.

Second, rappers seem to be increasingly concerned with the gossip media. If rap lyrics can discuss the Kardashians, why can't they discuss the Jennifer Anniston Will Die Alone phenomenon? It's just as appealing and she's always crying alone in cars. Perhaps a rap ballad featuring Alicia Keyes or Mary J could touch on the subject? It would make a great music video and could even get you that coveted spot on the next romantic comedy soundtrack you've been dying to be included on. Remember, Valentine's Day is less than four months away!

Oprah Can't Lose: Precious

The cinematic gem that is Precious is going to be the best movie of this, and possibly any year. First, we've got the African American Bonnie and Clyde, Oprah and Tyler Perry, backing this movie. The buzz in Harlem is going to be unmeasurable. Next, we have an Oscar worthy performance from Monique, Mariah Carey with no make up and a huge attitude, and an unknown incredible actress in the title role. However, most of this information is known by anyone who's been following the Coming Soon page on Fandango or Oprah's website.

More discretely, there are several other factors that will set this tearjerker apart. Underestimated icons will star, like Sherri "Star Jones looks like a female Al Roker" Shepard [the current day Jackee], and actresses called Xosho and Muggy [their real names]. Additionally, the cast list on IMDB actually bills a dog in the film, playing "stray dog." The dog's name is Camilla in real life, but sadly doesn't have a character name. Does this dog have an IMDB page? Yes. Do I? No. I wonder if appearing in You Tube and home videos can warrant an actor page. I would consider creating my own, but I don't want to turn out like Roxy Olin.

If you haven't seen the trailer yet, please watch it. November 6th can't come soon enough.

Vampires, Gays, and Roxy from The City

I like vampires - they're brooding fashionable, and pale, which you can't argue with, except for the latter. Gay men, on the other hand, are boy crazy, outrageous, and tan. This is pretty ideal. I love gay men in a friendship and non-friendship sense. I can completely subscribe to yesterday's New York Time's article about how to young girls ,unavailable vampires are the new gay man. You want what you can't have.

Almost completely unrelated, I absolutely despise Roxy from The City. She's something you can definitely have, but that you also don't want. She looks like Megan Fox after 13 botched face lifts and has a worse personality than Janice from Friends. After doing a bit of research, I found out she's a failed actress, appearing in nothing more than 3 episodes of Brothers and Sisters. She probably played a prostitute or troubled friend or a Girl in Bar #3 when she appeared on the show anyway.

Better yet, she has Twitter account, in which she discusses her carnival themed 16th birthday party and yearns to recreate it. Maybe she's bitter she didn't have a Bat Mitzvah, but it just seems like bragging to me. Also, I'm unsure if Roxy is her real name, but if it is, her parents had to know they were creating a slut of a daughter. I bet she had her name in neon lights like a Coors Light sign above her bed as a child. Not to say I wouldn't be thrilled to have that as a child or now. I can also guarantee that at one point in her life she was either a bartender, cocktail waitress, or phone sex operator.

I want her to get killed off The City in a slippery rooftop denim shoot. Even it it's staged I could still go for watching this happen.

Where is Vincent Young?

If you're anything like me, you have constantly been asking yourself what happened to Vincent Young. You may remember him as Noah from the original Beverly Hills, 90210 series. He played the Donna Martin-dating, secretly wealthy, yacht-managing vagabond the gang picked up in Hawaii for the last few seasons. Through extensive study of his IMDB page, it seems Vincent hasn't had much acting work since 90210 ended in 2000. However, it seems like he's now making a comeback in the adult film industry, with recent roles in [the hopefully satirical comedy] Adult Film: A Hollywood tale and an upcoming starring role in Eagles in the Chicken Coop.

I need Vincent Young to come back in a real way. And in more mainstream America.

In the new reboot of 90210, we have seen several guest stars from the original series already. Clearly all-time favorites Luke Perry and B.A.G. will just never return and I'll need to deal with this, but what about Vincent Young? He was good looking, troubled, and sleeping with everyone. He even had a drinking problem, which he can use to educate the new cast of kids. He is the perfect candidate for a guest role and will probably work for little to no money. What about casting him as the drivers ed teacher or the as the cashier at the pizza place they all go to?

Please CW, bring him back. You saved so much money from cutting off Mischa Barton's heroin addiction and you know Vampire Diaries isn't going anywhere.

Either way, I'll be tracking his career and would still contract scarlet fever to meet him.

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