Acronyms

Acronyms are used constantly, in the office, via text, and in AOL chatrooms circa 1998. They prove to be elusive, useful [at times], and always entertaining. The following are my all time favorites.

1. Necessity and workplace acronyms increase efficiency in the daily grind. One could say he's an MD at Merrill or get me that ASAP. FYI, TBD, and CEO are other commonplace terms thrown around like a placebo birth control pill. I prefer even quicker abbreviations, like she's a JS, or a Jewish slave [probably working in the office mailroom]. However, in this case, the acronym cannot be used in direct contact with the subject. This isn't the winter Olympics, and the JS wants someone to pay attention to her, not just to be referred to as a paper pushing Israelite who doesn't matter.

2. More useful acronyms like AIDS or SCUBA have always existed as well, representing a larger chain of words that people generally can't remember, since it's extremely difficult to remember four or more words at once. This is why predictive text and T9 have been invented and that phones are reached by numbers and not words. Regardless, one of my favorite childhood acronyms, especially to use on instant messenger, was DYGTTMTODYJSH, which stood for "did you go to the mall today or did you just stay home?" It was a catchphrase I wanted to say constantly but couldn't remember all the words to, but the acronym served as a lifesaver! Thank God for the ABC's and the Jackson Five.

3. Sex and relationships have also many times used acronyms to simplify a situation or take the place of uneasy words that the acronym user doesn't want to fully express. Girls are often OTP [on the prowl], DTR [forcing men to determine the relationship], or more desperately, DTF, in which case they'll engulf anyone who comes their way. These terms typically are uttered via text, the great wide web of the world, or even in person. However, if you're in a room with someone who tells you they're DTF, they probably have an STD, a DUI, or they're just a classic JAWDA.

Non-Sluts

These are the types of women I do not admire and do not aspire to be like.

1. Powerful female protagonists from my childhood. Netflix has been encouraging me to rediscover these women, simply because I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock season 1. However, I don't want to watch the Best of the Mary Tyler Moore show, nor do I think Beaches is a good way to spend two hours. One of the only non-sluts the mid 1990's yielded was Alex Mack, whose character was made powerful by a large scale chemical spill. Maybe it was the heavy allusion to global warming, but like other former non-sluts, Alex Mack [rather, the actress who plays Alex Mack] later lowered her morals for a role in 10 Things I Hate About You [R.I.P. Heath Ledger]. The same could be said for fellow mid 1990's non-slut Michelle Trachtenberg in Harriot the Spy, who we all know is looking and acting disgusting on Gossip Girl these days.

2. The people who dress up as characters at Disney World, Universal Studios, and high school and college pep rallies. These women are profusely sweating, have skin conditions, and are hanging out with, but not even participating in various marching bands, whether it be the pep band at homecoming or the float in the Electric Light Parade. It's a commonly unknown fact that many of the female characters are actually played by men, like in Shakespearean theater, except it's Florida and you're pretending to be a French Daisy Duck for 12 hours. Think Epcot on a Thursday. This does not apply to the characters at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, as they know exactly what they're doing inside that Reese's costume.

3. Biology majors. They study anatomy, are more intelligent than the sluts and men surrounding them, and have bright futures. They don't need to loiter outside bars asking for a light, because they know all the possible STD's that might surmount from borrowing that imitation Zippo lighter with a skull and crossbones engraved on it.

4. Girls in wheelchairs. Even though it may seem like much easier access since they're already seated, girls in wheelchairs are generally more in touch with reality and their sense of character and self-worth. They know how to get male attention and climb the corporate ladder [figuratively] with their personality and natural charm. If they don't have a good face, they just elicit pity due to their handicap. If it worked for Tiny Tim, it can work for these girls.

5. Hillary Clinton. She's irritating, was cheated on and almost deserted for a portly Jewish woman, and has the hairstyle of a 11 year old male Republican [think Ferguson from Clarissa explains it all]. There's no way that Hillary was doing her job as First Lady for all those years, when she should have been making Bubba tuna fish sandwiches in the Oval Office. Sure, she's excelled later in life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have Jennifer Anniston syndrome, which is still possible even if one is married.

Sluts

I love sluts, sluts rock. I have five favorite distinct types.

1. The Jennifer Anniston, also known as "The Rachel" is not just a hairstyle from 1996, it's also a way of life. It includes putting yourself out there, time after time, yielding no positive results. In more recent years, the Jennifer Anniston [and subsequently the Courtney Cox] have turned into full fledged cougars. They're at your local, suburban bar and they know their way around a lip pencil. Pun intended.

2. 14 year old emo girls who are adept at cell phone technology. They love taking photos of themselves in mirrors and posting them to MySpace, Facebook, maybe even Live Journal, and sending them to the opposite [or same] sex. I've heard way too many recent cases of girls in middle school getting expelled for inappropriate "sexting." If 90210 did an episode about it, it's true. These girls have low self esteem and need some love. This also applies to Jewish girls and people who use emoticons.

3. Asian school girls. There's a whole fetish circuit dedicated to this. I guess it's because of docility and plaid, but I'm not so interested. What happened to girls who wear Juicy Couture and Michael Stars and like math? Sigh.

4. Actual prostitutes. There's a group of 3 prostitutes [1 tranny, 1 trendy, and 1 spicy Latina] who meet on the corner of 14th Street and 3rd Avenue every morning at 9 AM. They are living the American Dream. They have great personalities and the neighborhood loves them. Sure, no one wants to touch them, but if the economy doesn't pick up in Q1 I may have to join the friend group, and I'd only hope they'd welcome me with open arms. Complete respect.

5. The outwardly religious. These types claim devotion to divinity and abstinence, but everyone knows that's just a cover for what's actually happening at bible camp. Sure, marriage is more common at lower ages, but that doesn't make up for all those years spent on their knees in the confessional. Baruch atah dios mio!

What other types do you think exist?