With smut-driven shows like The Secret Life of the American Teenager and Teen Mom bombarding the airwaves, America has become more and more infused with a terrible outlook on youth pregnancies. Sure, in between sexual innuendo and gratuitous make out scenes there are slight references to using condoms, and sometimes there are PSA's urging children to talk to their parents or "get help," but this clearly isn't helping, as American teen pregnancy rates are only rising (according to Dr. Drew). In a time when hipster culture thrives and retro is looked at as current, why can't antiquated contraceptive methods come back into style too. Here are my top five favorites that deserve product placement on the next episode of Degrassi or iCarly.
1. Spermicidal Foam. To use, one must insert 30 minutes prior to intercourse and the foam, which also comes in jelly, cream, and film form, typically has the consistency of shaving cream. It is only 72% as effective as birth control, but the awkward 30 minute wait when one has to sit still allowing the foam to settle will probably dissuade any confused youth from wanting to take the plunge. It is also extremely difficult to be used, as is seen in the Gaby Hoffman and Matthew Lawrence classic "All I Wanna Do." The slippery, yet seductive medium of the foam also actually INCREASES the ability to contract HIV, which is every young girl's dream.
2. Rhythm Method. Somehow this was actually taught in conjunction with the abstinence method in grade school health courses, in early 1990's Long Island at least. The rhythm method allows women to follow their menstruation, and subsequently, ovulation schedules, and simply abstain from sexual activity whenever one may be extra fertile. How could this method fail? Diet, exercise, geographic location - none of these should contribute to one's cycle, so going by the calendar should always work, right? If not, there's an app for that. In 2010, this method is now even easier, with the iPhone providing a menstruation calendar application. It allows women (or men if you alarmingly have this app) to track when their next ovulation window will hit so they can stay clear of college bars and Schnapps. Jennifer Anniston, on the other hand, will use this app for evil, and purposely seek out "wealthy businessmen" during that (un)holy week.
3. Chastity belts. Metal, chains, enhancing a tan skin tone, these all seem like pluses. However, it's impossible to picture how most women could fit a chastity built under an American Apparel dress, let alone what one would do in Miami. Chastity belts might seem like a good idea at first like the Shake Weight, but really they just prove to be a hassle. If one wants to represent Susan B. Anthony, you might as well invest in a diaphragm or try to find the Seinfeld-famed sponges.
4. Third trimester abortions. Juno taught us that babies are growing fingernails in your stomach, but Dirty Dancing taught us that some babies aren't destined to be born, and dancing competitions are more important. In some countries, these late-term abortions are illegal, forcing more and more women to make their gay best friend throw them down the stairs or even use the old hanger trick. Additionally, drinking a baby to death will become more common if this form of contraceptive doesn't come back to the mainstream. So let's bring it back and remember how much we love dance competitions! New season of America's Best Dance Crew!
5. Leaving babies in baskets. Even though this isn't necessarily a contraceptive method, it still deserves to be put in the limelight. My favorite Jewish celebrity other than Sarah Silverman was born into a life just like this. Moses was left in a basket floating on the Nile and he used his troubled childhood to become more famous than Twitterati Ashton Kutsher. Steve Jobs and Malcolm X were both orphans too. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe their mothers got nervous when they read What to Expect When You're Expecting and had to break up with their new child, or maybe they just wanted to get back on the club circuit and thought breast feeding was played out. Either way, this method of orphan-izing one's offspring definitely works.
Did I leave out any of your favorite methods?
